Anticipation

This summer I've been fortunate enough to receive invitations to two weddings and an awesome sounding birthday masquerade ball, and I couldn't be more excited! The past couple of weeks have been filled with anxious plans on how to make awe inspiring costumes for myself and for my prince for the birthday celebration that's coming up in just under three weeks. So far I've nearly finished a vest for him and a tulle skirt for myself to support a skirt that I already have. It's what I wore to the closest thing to prom that we had when I was still in high school: vanhojentanssit, where in the February of the second year the soon-to-be-seniors have a ball where they dance the old ball room dances to celebrate becoming the eldest students at the school. The tradition used to be more about historical costumes and having a "princess day" when I had mine 8 years ago, but nowadays the fashions have changed and people tend to dress more modern. But at least it's still a formal event and a reason to really dolly up!

Here's how I looked back then:

I made the dress with some help from my mom. The pattern had been drafted after a dress that Sissi, the empress of Austria and Hungary once wore in the 19th century. It's a shame the top no longer fits me, but it's a blessing in disguise: I get to make a new one!

Rock 'n' Roses

Okay, time to break the silence again! Here are some pictures from Rock 'n' Roses, the fashion show I was proud to be part of a couple weeks back, and the main reason for the communication breakdown. It was my first proper fashion show ever and although not perfect, it was really quite a nice experience and taught me heaps. But boy, was it a lot of work! And still I wish I'd dedicated more time to it. Live and learn, I guess. At the very least, learn :). For if one doesn't, what use is any of it?

Without further ado, the pictures:

Lovely Susanna took the stage first with a combination of a dress and a corset. The corset was made as part of our combined math and fashion history course at school. I wanted to have a go at fan lacing and using swing hooks instead of a regular busk: not as complicated as I'd anticipated, it turns out. The dress was made with a pattern I'd used previously to make myself a velvet dress which turned out to be the comfiest garment ever(!), and for this collection I wanted to make one that wouldn't be quite as overdressed for everyday wear.

My second outfit was donned by the gorgeous Katarina.

Mary had a little lamb. HAD. Like, 10 of them, as that's how many it took to make this piece, 60-70 square feet or so. The leather coat was also made for a school course, an optional leatherworking course. I wanted something fabulously over the board, and got it. The cutwork on the collar alone took 7 hours to complete. Not bad for a first item made of leather, although there are, of course, things I could improve on in the future.

My third attire as presented by the elegant Tiina, and the last piece that was part of mandatory school work: the pants. I found a gorgeous linen blend that draped like a dream to make these palazzo pants. Alas, they don't fit her quite as well as they fit me, but that's one of the things to take to heart from this show: don't use pieces made for anyone else but the models. The jacket was made of crimson bridal satin and trimmed with decorative stitching and a collar and pocket flaps made of silk chiffon and leather. The headdress was made by Maarit Nieminen, one of the other designers at the show, and left on due to time restraints and because it fit the outfit quite nicely :).

The fourth outfit as presented by the wonderful Sara: a chain-trimmed dress and a ribbon corset. The dress is of the same fabric as the pants were and trimmed with a heavy weight chain that was hand-stiched on the hem, neckline and sleeves. Chanel customarily uses chain to weigh down the hems of their trademark jackets and skirts, but I thought the detail was too pretty to be hidden on the inside of the garment.
The corset took inspiration from the slightly less heavy weight corsets that were worn as night attire in the victorian era. I wanted to bring some edge to the collection and used a rougher material than the satin ribbon that would have been the norm.

The eerily beautiful Hannamari in my tricot top, belt and skirt. The top reflects the cut of  the previous dresses in a delicate stretch lace and an interlock knit. The belt showcases some of this gorgeous coque tail feather trim I managed to source at the recent craft expo and the skirt is trimmed with the same guipure lace as the first corset was. It's not obvious from the pictures, but the skirt has quite a bit of volume gathered in the back - also inspired by the victorian era- using hand-sewn cartridge pleating, a technique from the renaissance.

Mesmerizing Krista donned my penultimate dress, accentuated with a wearable shibari tie. The dress itself had clean lines, a mermaid silhouette and a small train. I wish I'd had a little more time to get the tie to fit her perfectly, but one has to make it work within the allotted time... This was one of my own favourites out of the collection but unfortunately it came a bit short in the show. Hopefully I'll have some better pictures to show of it soon, with enough time to dress it properly on the model.

I got the honour of presenting the final dress of the show and here it is: the Stormborn dress on the star of the show, Ida-Emilia. The cotton satin dress was hand dyed by yours truly to achieve the tie-dye effect at the hem. The bodice and the waist are over-laid with chiffon and the top is finished with asymmetric satin ribbon straps. Regretfully, I didn't have the time to instruct the lighting guy to dim the lights on this part, so one of the details on this one doesn't translate well into pictures: under the chiffon there are white LEDs the twinkle like stars in the night sky. I may have bitten off a bit more than I can chew with those, but hey, better late than never. We got the lights working only 30 minutes to go before the show...

All photos are courtesy of Tiina Salminen/Photogothic, who gracieously  managed to fit our show between shooting the gigs of some of the greatest bands in the world and the prettiest faces in Finland. Be sure to check her site!

Thanks for reading!

Back to the Drawing Board

It's been a couple of months since the last post, but I've actually got the urge to write again now, yay! So on to the topic at hand:

This term at school, we've had quite a lot of lessons on sketching and design. So much so that I think I've spent more time with a pen or a brush in hand than actually sewing this year. Although I love sewing and getting to work on things in practice, I enjoy the design process as well and certainly haven't minded the emphasis on design. I used to draw a lot more but somehow other things took precedence and nowadays it's mostly to illustrate my designs, not art.

I also had the chance to take part in a pretty exciting project this spring and have been working mostly on that for the last couple of weeks: I'm getting to show my first mini collection at a real fashion show! Here's a small sneak peek to my sketches:

Nothing too impressive, but serves its purpose. And intentionally not showing much since I wouldn't wish to spoil the surprise.

Someone once wrote that every one of us has a stack of a thousand bad drawings that we just need to get through before we can start creating art. I think I'm closing in on number 500 by now. I may not be an artist (yet), but I love good quality art supplies. Nothing is more frustrating than trying to produce a drawing with limited skill AND poor quality tools. Although they don't replace skill, quality products can aid quite a bit.

Nowadays I carry with me three cases of pencils whenever there's drawing to do at school: sketching pencils, coloured pencils and another set of coloured pencils that I'll get back to in a bit. My sketching pencils are these:

Academy pencils from Derwent. Derwent is a quality manufacturer based in the UK, but these are an economy product. I use pencils only for sketching, not for producing finished art, so I haven't found the need to invest more money in them. They have a range from 6B to 5H and suit me just fine.

My choice of coloured pencils was based heavily on the fact that these, Polychromos Colour Pencils by Faber-Castell, are sold both in tins as well as separately, so when I run out of some colours, I can just replace those. I always tend to use black, dark red and dark blue the most, for example. Also, if I find my package of 24 to be lacking a shade I wish to use often, I can just buy that to supplement my set instead of having to invest in a 36- or 72-piece set with countless redundant shades.

I personally prefer bold, vibrant colours and prefer to have good control of where it's going on the paper. This is why I never liked watercolours: the brush seems to have a mind of its own, and the colours end up looking diluted more often than not. Mixing colours proves difficult as well if you need to paint any area larger than can be done without picking up more colour. Coloured pencils, on the other hand, have good control, mixing colours is easy and you don't need additional equipment like water or brushes. However, coloured pencils aren't very good with dark shades either. Or so I thought until I bought this set. Cheap ones tend to have hard lead with very little pigment, so to make anything other than pastel shades, you need to press pretty hard on the paper, often damaging it. The lead on these is much softer, thus easier to apply to paper, and nicely pigmented. Quality products make it easier to achieve the results you're aiming for.

These are my new favourite medium: the Inktense pencils from Derwent. They're a lot like watercolour pencils, but instead of watercolour, they turn into ink when you apply water to them. The main difference is that once these dry, they're permanent and going over them with more water won't smear them any further. You can layer different colours or the same colour again to draw transparent materials and it also makes it near impossible to smear the lines between different colours accidentally. The colours you get are, as the name says, very intense and take little trouble to produce. In my experience the colour also dissolves easier into water than with watercolour pencils and doesn't leave pencil strokes on the paper.

When I got the Inktense pencils, I also got this handy little thing:

The waterbrush is a paintbrush with a small container for water in its handle. Using this, I don't need a separate cup for water and it's perfect to use with the Inktenses. The brush is plastic and tapers into a fine tip, and even though this one's Derwent's medium brush, I find no need for a smaller brush even for detailed work. The container doesn't hold very much water, but it lasts for surprisingly long. I'd say I could finish about 3 or 4 A4 sized sketches without a refill. I find the flow to be quite suitable for me, maybe a tad too strong when the container is close to empty and softer to squeeze accidentally. Because the water flows through the brush and not up and down like normally, it's incredibly easy to clean: just stroke a piece of scrap paper once or twice and you're done. For 7 to 9 euros, the waterbrush is a bargain for how useful it is. I'm inclined to buy another to try using it for applying eye shadow. I often use a wet brush to apply it anyway to get a good cover so this could ease my morning routine as well.


I think anyone working in fashion design should know how to draw at least reasonably well. There will most certainly be times when one must be able to convey their designs to someone, be it a client, a coworker, the boss or for example a supplier of materials. Illustration makes it so much easier to get on the same page, and not being able to depict your designs so that other people can get a peek at your thoughts can cause much unnecessary trouble through miss-communication. It's perfectly ok to take a critical look at your work and consider yourself bad at it, but to come to that conclusion and to be satisfied with it, without even an attempt to better oneself... that, in my view, is quite an unfortunate solution. Finding media that I like, reading tutorials in books and online, taking courses and, most importantly, practice, has helped me out on my journey towards art. It takes effort, but it's surely worth it!

A film of the day and a song of the old(ish)

I first heard about Moth Diaries in Maven of the Eventide's review and was instantly drawn to it. It was a vampire movie, going back to the more classic vampire, it had an all-girl boarding school and it had Sarah Bolger in it who I'd really liked in the Tudors. (Well, I liked everyone in the Tudors. I hated quite a few of the characters, with a passion. Cardinal Wolsey, Thomas Cromwell and Catherine Howard, to name a few, but I thought the actors were doing a great job bringing these figures to life.) So I had high hopes for the movie. Here's the trailer:

Well I loved the visuals of it. Sarah Bolger was ok, but not quite as good as she was as Bloody Mary. Like Maven had said, a LOT of the dialogue just sounded stupid, unnatural and explainy (It is too a word!). The movie is riddled with hooks that could've made it a great movie. I kept thinking, if only they'd gone this way with the plot instead of this, and if only they'd done this more, it could've been a much better movie. I didn't hate it. No, Thor forbid. I thought it was entertaining, pleasant to look at, and it stayed true to it's pursuit of being a classic, gothic vampire story. It's just very explainy. It underestimates the capacity of the viewer to pick up things without having to be quite so literal in telling us. Even with all its faults, it left me very much wanting more of this kind of movies. So, if you're at all into vampires or gothic horror, I'd say watch it. I loved the movie it could've been, and I'm sure it has much potential for you to like it.

I welcome any suggestions you might have for other movies that do the gothic horror vampire thing better, I would love to see some good vampire movies that I may have missed!


Ok, I can't think of a good transition to this, but I just really wanted to share a song that's been bugging me the last couple of days, in a good way, Do the evolution by Pearl Jam:

I love the... um... I'm terrible with anything related to music so bear with me :)... guitar riff? There was a song on the Finnish Radio Rock this past summer that had something very similar and every time I heard that I kept thinking of this song. I love the lyrics, they go well with what I think is wrong with the world. Which, to make it short, is people thinking humans are some pinnacle of creation, and money, and charging interest, and greed in general. The images in the video should be disturbing or unpleasant, but to me they're mostly just sad. We should be above these things. We could be above these things. We've created so many great things and technologies, I don't think there is a limit for what we could do if only we could overcome the things restricting us: possessiveness and separating people to "us" and "them", mostly.


I could've added "... and a wine of 2011" to the title. I think I found a new favourite red today. It's an Australian one I picked out pretty much at random, but hey, can't go wrong with shiraz :). (I don't know too much about wine either, but) Lindeman's Bin 50 is just rich enough for me, a little bit sweet and not too light. And it goes amazingly well with salmiac/salt liquorice, which is a huge plus and a nice discovery for me as I love salmiac and most wines don't. Its alcohol content is already on the lower end at 13%, but I wouldn't mind it being 5% or even 0, so I could have the whole bottle in a night.

I'm still alive

It's been quite a while since I wrote anything, I know. My previous post hints quite strongly towards what's been keeping me so busy. Mists of Pandaria, and school work, too. I've also been thinking about the future of this blog, and so far, it hasn't been working too well for me. I don't think I want to  give up on it completely just yet, so I'm going to make a few changes to try and find a way to blog that might be better suited for me.

Firstly, I'm going to drop Finnish. Writing in two languages was an additional load of work that I don't feel pays off. Although translating my own text wasn't hard, it took time and a little bit of effort, that I feel would be better spent elsewhere.

Secondly, I'll try to limit the scope of my posts so they won't be quite as huge walls of texts and maybe try to divide them into smaller but more numerous posts so they're easier to read and quicker to write. I need to lower my threshold to press publish. Writing a blog isn't exactly rocket science or brain surgery, I should be able to take it more lightly.

As the third and, for the moment, final point on my list, I'd like to change the layout and overall visuals of my blog to be classier and to look more polished. At the moment it looks just what it was: an amateur's first attempt.

I'm still unsure on the schedule of these changes since I will be very busy for the next three weeks. I'm sharing a table with a friend at a hand made design sales event and most of my merchandise is still to be made. It's exciting as hell and I'm happy I got the chance to go, but I wish our series production course at school had begun much much earlier.

Pandoja, pandoja joka puolella

Hupsista, sitä tuli taas mentyä 3 viikkoa viimeisestä päivityksestä. Lopettanut en ole, mutta kieltämättä blogin kirjoittaminen ei ole ollut ihan ensimmäisenä mielessä. Ei mitään hulppeita elämänmullistuksia menossa, kunhan vaan hiukan koulukiireitä ja WoWin lisäosan Mists of Pandarian julkaisuun valmistautumista uudessa killassa.

17 tuntia enää. Vielä.

17 piiiiitkää tuntia, joihin pitäisi sisällyttää vielä ”yöunet”. Aloitin unirytmin siirtämisen oikeastaan jo perjantai-iltana, mutta vähän huonosti se lähti liikkeelle. Nyt olen valvonut äkkiseltään laskettuna 21 tuntia, ja muutama pitäisi vielä jaksaa, jotta pääsisi heräilemään suht optimaalisesti kymmenkunnan tunnin unien päälle yhdentoista kahdentoista paikkeilla. Virallisesti lisäosa julkaistaan aamuyhdeltä.

Hiukan taidan itsekin pitää itseäni hulluna peliaddiktina. Mutta minulle tämä on hauskaa! Näitä tilaisuuksia kun pääsee oikeasti yksilönä kisaamaan levuutuksessa tulee kuitenkin vain sen parin vuoden välein ja muina aikoina mielestäni suhtaudun pelaamiseen vakavasti mutten neuroottisesti, eikä se vie aikaa ihmissuhteilta tai koululta näitä harvoja poikkeuksia lukuun ottamatta. Viime kerralla jäin serverin nopeimmin levuuttaneesta parilla tunnilla nettikatkoksen vuoksi. Toivottavasti tällä kertaa ylioppilaskyläsäätiön datayhteydet pitävät. Kännykässä on sentään nyt hätävaranetti, jos pahin tapahtuu taas.

16 tuntia 55 minuuttia.

Jääkaapissa on ruokaa valmiina, hedelmiä, sitruunavettä, muutama suklaapatukka. Kauheasti en kuitenkaan tykkää hamstrata energiajuomia, roskaruokaa, alkoholia tai sokeria. Auttaahan se toki hetkellisesti pysymään virkeämpänä, mutta sitten tulee romahdus. Betassa levuutukseeni meni muutamien hidastavien tekijöiden kuten killan antaman exp-bonuksen puuttumisen myötä 22 tuntia, nyt tosipaikan tullen odottaisin pystyväni hiukan parempaan, vaikka ruuhkat ja pvp-serverin vaarat varmasti nekin hidastavat menoa. Ei tuon pitäisi olla mitenkään yli-inhimillistä venymistä vaativa suoritus pelata putkeen.

16 tuntia 50 minuuttia. Tik tak, tik tak...

Pitäisiköhän keittää vielä kupillinen teetä ja katsoa vaikka pitkään to do -listalla ollut Karhuveljeni Koda. Toisaalta sillä saisi tapettua kätevästi tunti 20 minuuttia, mutta niin passiivinen istuskelu väsyttää varmasti. Kaunottaren ja hirviön katselin aiemmin aamulla ja yllätyin positiivisesti. Se oli parempi kuin muistinkaan ja löytyi sieltä muutama sellainenkin juttu mitä viimeksi muksuna katsellessa ei ollut tajunnut lainkaan. Sitä paitsi, tämä oli ensimmäinen kerta kun katsoin sen englanninkielisillä äänillä. ”And, as I always say, if it's not baroque, don't fix it”, lohkaisi Könni esitellessään linnaa Bellelle. Mitäköhän tuo repliikki oli suomenkielisessä versiossa...

Nyt on ollut muutenkin joku Disney-nostalgiakausi meneillään. Aiemmin katsoin Robin Hoodin ja yllätyin siitä miten vanha sekin leffa jo on. Pienenä luulin sen olleen suht uusi silloin kun sen ensimmäistä kertaa näin. Sen julkaisuvuosi oli 1973. Seuraavaksi tuon Karhuveljeni Kodan jälkeen olisi vuorossa Leijonakuningas ja sitten ehkä Prinsessa Ruusunen ja Prinsessa ja sammakko, joista kumpaakaan en ole edes nähnyt aiemmin.

16 tuntia 33 minuuttia. Tuskallisen hitaasti tuo aika kuluu.

Mikä teidät saa käyttäytymään hullusti ja tavoin, joilla kunnon kansalainen ei koskaan käyttäytyisi? Minkä vuoksi olette valmiit muuttamaan unirytmiänne tai muita hyvin pinttyneitä tapojanne? Mihin uppoudutte niin, että suljette kaiken muun ulkopuolelle? Mielestäni jokaisella pitäisi olla vähintään yksi asia, mistä tuntea niin intohimoisesti, että se menee kaiken muun edelle. Itselleni WoW ei ole ainoa sellainen asia, mutta ehkä helpoimmin nimettävissä. Muut tärkeimmät juttuni eivät ehkä vaadi tai tarjoakaan vastaavia keskittyneitä ajanjaksoja. Ehkä pitäisikin varata tämän jälkeen joku viikonloppu yhtä intensiivisesti parisuhteen hoidolle, perheelle tai vaikka uusien vaatemallien suunnittelullekin.

To ask why we fight, is to ask why the leaves fall - it is in their nature.

Perhaps there's a better question...

Why do we fight? To protect home, and family, to preserve balance and bring harmony.

For my kind, the true question is:

What is worth fighting for?

Pandas, pandas everywhere

Oops, it's been three weeks again since my last post. I haven't quit, but I admit, writing the blog hasn't been at the top of mind much lately. No massive changes going on in my life, just a little busy with school and with preparing for the launch of WoW's new expansion, Mists of Pandaria, with my new guild.

16 hours 11 minutes to go. Still.

16 loooong hours which should include a good "night's" sleep. I started shifting my sleep cycle Friday night, but weren't very successful to begin with. Now I've been up for about 22 hours and I should still stay that way for a few more, so I could wake up after around 10 hours of sleep at eleven, maybe even twelve. The expansion will be released at 1am.

I think even I consider myself a bit crazy and an mmo addict. But for me, this is fun! Opportunities to compete solo, in leveling, don't come around more than once every two years or so and otherwise I'm not letting my gaming take time away from IRL social activities or school work, except for on these special occasions. I usually take my playing seriously but neurotically so. Last time I lost by a couple of hours to the person who leveled the fastest on the server due to an internet outage. I hope this time the student village foundation has their connections in a better shape. At least this time I have emergency back-up internet on my cell phone if things go south.

16 hours 4 minutes.

I've got food ready and waiting in the fridge, alongside with some fruit, water with lemon slices and a couple chocolate bars. I don't really like to stock up on energy drinks, fast food, alcohol and sugar like some. Sure, it helps you stay awake temporarily, but then comes the crash. In the beta, I leveled for about 22 hours with a few factors slowing me down like my lack of the guild perk for extra exp. I think I should be able to improve that a bit on live. It shouldn't be a super human deed to play that long in one session.

16 hours. Tic... toc... tic... toc...

I wonder if I should brew a cup of tea and watch Brother bear that's been on my to do -list for a while. It would be a great way to kill off an hour and 20 minutes, but something that passive is sure to make me drowsier. I watched Beauty and the Beast earlier this morning and was pleasantly surprised. It was better than I'd remembered and even included some things that I hadn't got when I last watched it as a kid. Besides, this was the first time I watched it in English. "And, as I always say, if it's not baroque, don't fix it”, said Cogsworth while giving Belle a tour of the castle. I really wonder how that translated into Finnish...

I'm going through a Disney nostalgia phase right now. I watched Robin Hood earlier and was surprised at how old the movie was. I'd thought it was somewhat new when I first saw it, but it was made in 1973 already. Next items on my list after Brother bear are the Lion King and after that maybe Sleeping Beauty and the Princess and the Frog, never having even seen the latter two.

15 hours 55 minutes. Time goes by painfully slow.

What has the power to make you act all crazy or in ways that a good citizen never would? For what are you ready to change your sleep cycle or other very strict habits? What makes you indulge yourselves in it so deeply, that you shut everything else out? I think everyone should have something to feel so passionately about, that it goes before everything else. For me, WoW isn't the only such thing, but it's probably the easiest to name. My other important things don't demand or offer such intense periods of concentration. Maybe I should reserve a weeked some time in the near future to focus so deeply on my relationship with my boyfriend and my family, or on designing some new clothes.

Täytä keuhkosi ja päästä kaikki ulos

Maailmassa ei ole tarpeeksi paikkoja, missä aikuinen voisi kirkua minkä keuhkoistaan saa irti tulematta leimatuksi mielenvikaiseksi.

Odotin koulun alkua innolla, mutta viime viikot olen ollut todella huonolla tuulella eikä koko vuosi näytä kauheasti valoisammalta. Pienetkin asiat ahdistavat ja tuntuu, että joka puolelta vaaditaan jotain enkä jaksaisi vastata mihinkään. Työssäoppimispaikkaa pitäisi hakea enkä oikeastaan tiedä mihin edes haluaisin tai mihin rahkeeni riittäisivät. Yhtä paikkaa kyselin, mikä vaikuttaisi hyvältä, mutta vähän siitä jäi sellainen olo, että aika ihme on jos sinne pääsen. Sosiaaliset taidot ja ulosanti taisivat taas pettää. Noh, ainakin hän sanoi ottavansa joka tapauksessa yhteyttä.

WoWissa Mists of Pandaria lähestyy, betan puolella pitäisi vielä kertaalleen questailla alueet läpi, että julkaisupäivänä pääsisin etenemään mahdollisimman nopeasti. Pääsin uuteen kiltaan ja vaikka se vaikuttaakin lupaavalta, uuteen porukkaan tutustuminen ja sopeutuminen on aina hiukan stressaavaa aikaa. Kaikki omat mokat paisuvat maailman kaataviksi ja epävarmuus senkun vahvistuu.

Koulunkäynti tuntuu kuin lastentarhassa oltaisiin. Tässä jaksossa keskitymme visuaaliseen ilmaisuun ja tuotesuunnitteluun paperilla, käytännössä leikkaamme ja liimaamme kollaaseja ja värittelemme vesiväreillä väriympyrää. Samat asiat on käyty jo ala-asteella, yläasteella ja niiden osalta, jotka sen ovat käyneet, lukiossa ja jollei se vieläkään ole päähän iskostunut, että vihreää tulee keltaisesta ja sinisestä ja sitä sanotaan väliväriksi, tuskin se tälläkään kertaa uppoaa. Vaikka kuinka yritän sitä venyttää, kärsivällisyyteni ihmisten tyhmyyttä kohtaan alkaa olla aika äärirajoillaan. Rasittaa, että aina pitää kaikessa mennä sen pienimmän yhteisen nimittäjän mukaan. Opettajan on muka ihan ok sanoa asiasta, jota on jo yläasteella käsitelty, että en mä tätä teille sen tarkemmin selitä, kun tää menee jo aika vaikeeks ja matemaattiseks.

Taitaa olla kunnon erakoitumisvaihe alullaan tai hyvää vauhtia jo päällä. Olen kyllä tosi onnellinen, että olen tässä koulussa onnistunut saamaan kavereita epäsosiaalisuudestani huolimatta, mutta välillä iskee yksinäisyydenkaipuu. Etenkin, jos tarvitsee tehdä jotain luovempaa, en yksinkertaisesti toimi väkijoukon keskellä. Tarvitsen keskittymisrauhan ja oman tilani. Koulussa se ei vaan onnistu.

Mitä suunnittelupuoleen tulee, se on kyllä yksi lempivaiheistani vaatteiden tekemisessä, mutta en oikein osaa luoda käskien. Onhan se jo moneen kertaan tutkittukin, että luovassa työssä parempia tuloksia saadaan antamalla työntekijöiden itse määrätä työaikansa ja paikkansa, missä työnsä tekee verrattuna normaaliin 8-16 toimistossa istumiseen. Mutta meidän pitäisi silti saada aikaan uutuusarvoinen ja myyvä sarjatuote tiistaina kello 12.30-15.45. Muutenkin kurssi on tiivistetty aivan liian lyhyelle aikavälille, vaikka olisi hyvä olla aikaa laskea luonnokset välillä lepäämään pariksi päiväksi ja antaa ideoiden hautua. Alkuun pidin kaikista lähtökohtakollaaseistani, mutta lopulta päädyn suunnilleen puolet suunnitteluajasta vain istumaan paperi edessäni ja kynä kädessäni ja tuijottamaan luonnoksiani rakastamatta niistä yhtäkään. Sain niistä kyllä positiivista palautetta toisten luokkien ja osastojen oppilailla teetetyssä kyselyssä, mutta se fiilis, että minkä näistä nyt tahtoisi toteuttaa valmiiksi tuotteeksi asti, jää puuttumaan.

Opettajankin läsnäolo tuntuu osaltaan jarruttavan suunnitteluprosessia. Periaatteessa kaikilla pitäisi olla vapaat kädet toteuttaa omaa juttuaan, mutta käytännössä opettajalla on kuitenkin aika selvä visio mihin suuntaan sitä pitäisi lähteä viemään. Vaikka hän monesti onkin oikeassa, omalta osaltaan opettajankin palaute häiritsee prosessia, kun ei uskalla edetä omaa tahtiaan vaan jää aika ajoin odottamaan sitä palautetta ja ”lupaa” edetä. Ei uskalla viedä ideoita eteenpäin siltä varalta, että sieltä tuleekin vastaukseksi, että ei tämä nyt ollutkaan lainkaan sitä mitä piti.

Yhtenä suurimpana ahdistajanani on kyllä puhtaasti pääoman puute. Kovin pienellä kangasmäärällä suunnitelmiani ei toteutettaisi enkä toisaalta tahtoisi käyttää halpaa ja huonoakaan, mutta kun yksinkertaisesti ei ole varaa laittaa useampaa satasta kiinni materiaaleihin vailla minkäänlaista takuuta, että tuotteitani joku ostaisikin. Marraskuussa koululla järjestettäisiin myös hiuskoriste- ja hatukekurssi sekä kevätlukukaudella hansikaskurssi, joille tahtoisin kovasti osallistua, mutta niillekin tulee hintaa aika huimasti. Tai halpojahan ne olisivat mitä tuollaisiin kursseihin tulee, mutta minun budjetistani se olisi iso siivu. Tässä sarjatuoteprojektissa tahtoisin kovasti käyttää omaa printtiäni, mutta sen teettäminen maksaisi aivan liikaa. Talouspuolella huolestuttaa myös ajatus omasta yrityksestä ja sen perustamisen ja pyörittämisen taakka.

Oma kämppä on niin sotkussa, ettei sitä uskoisi tämän vuoden puolella kertaakaan siivotuksi, uusi kissanpentu näyttää saaneen päähänsä, että minä olen lauman nokkimisjärjestyksessä viimeisenä ja käy melkein joka yö hyökkäilemässä kätten ja kasvojenkin kimppuun. Blogista lupasin aloittaessani, etten ottaisi siitä minkäänlaista stressiä, mutta poden silti huonoa omaatuntoa, että viime kirjoituksesta on melkein kolme viikkoa.

Tänä viikonloppuna olen sentään saanut olla rauhassa valtakuntani neljän seinän sisällä oman hovin kesken, kun viime viikonloppu ”hukkaantui” kokonaan reissun päällä toisella puolella Suomea. Mutta se paikka, missä saisi kaikessa rauhassa kirkua olisi kyllä tarpeen, tai oikein kunnon itkut sängyn pohjalla. Negatiivisetkin tunteet voivat synnyttää hyvää, mutta jonkin ajan kuluttua niitä olisi hyvä päästä kunnolla purkamaan, ennen kuin tulee sanoneeksi jotain kaduttavaa tai päästäneeksi sisäisen psykopaattinsa turhan pintaan.

~*~

Fill your lungs and let it all out

There aren't enough places in the world where an adult can scream at the top of their lungs and still be considered sane.

I really looked forward to starting school again, but for the last few weeks I've been in a really bad mood and the rest of the year doesn't appear much brighter. Small things distress me and it feels everyone expects something off me yet I can't measure up to any of the expectations. I should be looking for a place for my internship this spring and I don't really know where I'd like to go or what my skills are good enough for. I made some inquiries at a local taylor's shop, that I'd really like, but I was left feeling it would be quite a miracle if she accepts me. I guess my social skills and overall output let me down again. Well, at least she said she'd contact me in any case.

Mists of Pandaria approaches in WoW and I should still quest through the zones on beta at least once to get an edge for the launch day. I got accepted into a new guild and although it seems quite promising, getting to know a new group of people and adjusting to them is always slightly stressful. My screw-ups seem to swell to immense proportions in my view and my insecurity only strenghtens.

Going to school has been like going to kindergarten. In this period we're focusing on visual presentation and product design in theory, in reality we're cutting and pasting collages and colouring in colour circles in water colour. The same things we've already been taught at least two or three times during the compulsory education. If a person hasn't yet got into their head that blue and yellow make green and that it's something called a secondary colour, I highly doubt it'll stick this time around either. Although I try to stretch my patience, it's wearing very thin towards the stupidity of people in general. Why must we always pace ourselves by the lowest common denominator? Why is it apparently ok for the teacher to say about something we've already been taught in secondary school that she won't get into it because it's kinda complicated and mathematical?

I think I'm approaching or maybe even already in a proper hermit phase. I'm really happy that I've managed to make some friends at this school despite my asociality, but every now and then I just yearn for solitude. Especially if we're supposed to do something creative, I simply don't function in a crowd. I need peace for concentration and my own space. At school, that just isn't a possibility.

Desinging in itself is one of my favourite parts of making clothes, but I can't create on command. It's been studied many a time over that creative work reaches better results when people get to set their own hours and to decide where they want to work as opposed to sitting in an office from nine to five. Still, we're expected to create something new and sellable for short-run production on Tuesday at 12.30-15.45. Besides the course is way too quickly paced anyway. It would really be better to get to lay down one's sketches for a while and to harbour the ideas for a bit. I liked all my starting points, but now I end up sitting half of my design time with a paper in front of me and pen in hand, staring at my sketches, not loving any of them. I received rather positive feedback on them when we polled some of our other students, but I'm missing the feeling that would tell me which one I want to produce as a complete product.

Even the presence of the teacher seems a hindrance to the design process. Everyone should have a free hand to follow their own thing, but the teacher seems to have a rather strong view on what direction that vision should take. Although she's often right, in part she's disturbing the flow of the process by causing me to not dare to do things at my own pace. Instead I meander and wait for feedback and ”permission” to proceed. I don't feel like going forward in case what I wanted to do isn't what I was supposed to do and all that work was in vain.

One of my biggest sources of anxiety is purely the lack of capital. My designs will take quite a lot of fabric to make, and I wouldn't want to use cheap, low quality fabric either, but I just can't afford to spend hundreds of euros on materials without any guarantee that the finished product will sell. There would also be a headdress and fascinator making course at the school in November, and a glove making course in spring that I'd really like to attend but they're going to cost heaps as well. Well, they're not really expensive per se, but they would make quite a dent in my budget. I'd also like to use my own print for the school project we're designing but having that printed would cost an arm and a leg. Financially, I'm also worried about the burden of starting and running my own business some time in the yet to be determined future.

My flat is a mess and one wouldn't believe it's been cleaned at all this year. The new kitten seems to consider me the lowest in our pack's pecking order and comes nearly every night to pounce at my hands and face. I promised myself I wouldn't stress over writing this blog, but I feel guilty for not having published anything for nearly three weeks.

At least this weekend I've been able to stay withing the four walls of my kingdom and with only my own court for company. Last weekend was kind of ”wasted” on the road on the other side of Finland. I really could use a place where I could scream, or a good night of heartfelt crying. Negative feelings can produce good things, but one must get to discharge them after a while, before they say something they'll regret or let their inner psychopath surface too much.